Letters
by Herochick007
Summary: Harry and gang write letters to each other, Dumbledore, and Lord Voldemort. Insane Harry, Ron, and Hermione.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I don't own Harry Potter.**

 **I am bored, fighting with writer's block, and decided to do this letter idea I've seen others writing. I hope you enjoy it.**

Dear Voldemort,

I am bored and no one is writing me so I decided to write to you.

I am worried you are lonely and no one writes you. Does Dumbledore write you?

He should since it's a good way to work things out. You need to work things out with him,

oh, and stop trying to kill me. I had no interest in killing you until you killed my parents.

Harry

Dear Harry,

I do not wish to work things out with Dumbledore. He is an idiot! He is also a manipulative bastard who is only using you as a pawn. You should join me! I only killed your parents because they wouldn't let me kill you.

Lord Voldemort

Dear Harry,

why must you antagonize Lord Voldemort? I know you wrote to him saying we should work things out. He wants me dead, he wants you dead. Isn't that enough of a reason to be against him?

Dumbledore.

Dear Dumbledore,

I am not antagonizing Lord Voldemort, yes I know what it means. Hermione told me, she also told me you won't let any of my friends write me. Since Voldemort writes me, he is my new friend. He wants me to join him.

Harry friendless Potter

Dear Harry,

Dumbledore is allowing me and Ron to write you now. I don't know what you said, but he's really annoyed with you for ruining his plans. Are you serious about being friends with Voldemort? Maybe you could convince him to spare the muggle borns?

Hermione

Dear Voldemort

sorry I haven't written, but I've been busy. It seems I have super powers that I just discovered. No, I can't tell you about them yet. Anyway, is there any chance you might consider sparing the muggle borns since we're friends?

Harry your friend Potter

Dear Harry

No, I will not spare the muggle borns, they are a plague on magical society. Also, you are not my friend. You are my enemy! It has been foretold you will bring my downfall and I will not let that happen. This is why you have to die, didn't anyone tell you? Dumbledore knows.

Lord Voldemort

Dear Voldy Pants,

If I am not your friend, I am your enemy and you shall fall to my army!

Your enemy for life

Harry, I have an army, Potter

Dear Harry,

Hermione's said we can write you now, which is good because I'm bored and the twins put pudding in my bed again. Hermione doesn't care and Ginny won't hex them for me. Maybe you could do it when you get here?

Ron

Dear Ron,

where the bloody hell is 'here'. No one is telling me anything, and I think Dumbledore wants me dead. Lord Moldypants hasn't written me in almost two weeks, I think he's mad at me because I have an army and he doesn't. Can you write him and ask him if he's mad at me?"

Harry


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I do not own anything, and you asked for more, here is more!**

Dear Harry,

Please tell your friends to stop writing me! A Mr. Ron Weasley wrote me asking if I'm mad at you. No, I'm not mad, and what army? I have an army, not you.

Lord Voldemort.

Dear Harry,

Here is the Order of the Phoenix, it's a secret society run by Dumbledore. I just realized the first part of his name is dumb! That is so funny! Please don't listen to Ron and hex the twins. It was my idea to put the pudding in his bed after he ate all mine at dinner.

Hermione

Dear Hermione,

I will not hex the twins. One because you asked me not to, and two, because Ron deserved it. He sent me a crayon drawing of him and you by accident. It's really bad. I'll show it to you when I see you again. And you should emphasis the dumb part!

Harry, the awesome, Potter.

Dear Voldy,

can I call you Voldy? It rhymes with Moldy! Ha ha, and what army? You say you have one, where are you hiding them? My army is microscopic so you'll never know they're coming!

Harry, I have a bigger army, Potter.

Dear Harry,

No, I will not tell you where my army is. You'll tell Dumbledore and he'll take it away! You said you needed more friends? You should make friends with the son of one of my followers. His name is Draco and he's in your year at school. You two have a lot in common. Both of you annoy me very much.

Lord Voldemort.

Dear Harry,

I am missing a really important drawing, Have you seen it? If so, please don't show it to Hermione. She'll never be my girlfriend if you do. And she's really kind of hot.

Ron

Dear Ron,

I have no idea what you're talking about. Hermione's like a sister to me...ick! Your sister however...wowza!

Harry, I'm going to date your sister, Potter.

Dear Loaf of Moldybread,

I do not like Draco. He's a git and he insulted my friend. He called her a nasty name, it's all your fault! I'll still be friends with you though.

Harry, your friend, Potter.

Potter,

Lord Voldemort is making me write this letter trying to sway you to our side. I find you arrogant and annoying, but he is making me or he will torture me. I do not like being tortured, do you? Since it is only a week until we go back to school...will you write back at least until then?

Draco, I do not want to be tortured, Malfoy


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I own nothing except some nasty cold medicine**

Dear Malfoy,

I dislike you very much! I dislike Moldypants even more right now, I don't know why I should have to be friends with a ferretfaced git like you. You called Hermione a bad name. Her punching you was awesome. I'm awesome!

Harry, totally awesome, Potter

Dear Harry,

I'm glad you are reaching out to Draco. He seemed...to care when he got your letter. At least he didn't read it to me, for which I am very thankful.

Lord Voldemort

Dear Hermione,

Moldypizza crust wants me to be friends with Malfoy, the ferret needs more friends. I'm writing him because I'm bored and Ron's not writing back. Did he lose his quill? We should get more people writing Malfoy. Then he'll have a ton of friends, also, maybe we could convince the owls to poop on Moldy himself, that'd be hilarious.

Harry, beyond awesome, Potter.

Dear Harry,

Ron's not writing because he's mad at you for showing me that picture. He thinks I want to be his girlfriend...no thank you. Also, he said you said something about his sister? Do you fancy her, Harry? Cause I think she likes you too.

Hermione, never going to be Ron's girlfriend, Granger

Dear Draco,

Hermione wrote me saying you needed some more friends, since I don't have many myself, I figured I'd write you. Do you like Crumblehorned Snoracks? Or Blimmy Piffs? What's your favorite subject in school? I love Care For Magical Creatures and Charms. I don't care for potions because Professor Snape is very close minded.

Luna Lovegood

Dear Potter,

What the bloody hell! Now you've got Loony Lovegood writing me too? I don't understand half of what she says! I am going to kill Lord Voldemort for this! It was all his idea!

Draco Malfoy.

Dear Draco,

NO! I get to kill Lord Moldysocks! It says so in the prophesy!

Harry, I'm going to kill him, Potter


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: I still don't own Harry Potter**

 **Yay, I've decided on the pairings for this one maybe?**

Dear Hermione,

Ron's an idiot, and yes, I do sort of fancy Ginny. Is she there where ever you guys are? Maybe she could write me? Or should I write her? What does she like? Back on topic, I've gotten Luna to write Draco, I think they'll make good friends.

Harry

Dear Harry

stay away from Ginny! She's my sister, ewwww!

Ron, she's my little sister, Weasley

Dear Ron,

I can fancy whomever I like, besides, it's not my fault Hermione won't snog you. I've heard you kiss like a squid.

Harry, not a squid, Potter

Dear Luna...

why am I writing this? Have I become that desperate? I don't know anything about the animals you're talking about...I like potions and flying. Do you fly? I don't think I've seen you on a broom. I could teach you, I guess...do you like charms? Flitwick's a decent teacher at least.

Draco, I must be losing my mind, Malfoy

Dear Ferret face,

Harry told us you needed more friends, or that writing you would at least annoy you, either way, we're bored at the current second. What's it like being around you know who all the time? Is he really as crazy as Harry claims? If so, what are his weaknesses, you know, just for curiosity's sake?

Gred and Forge

Dear Weasel twins

I am not telling you anything, go away and don't write me again

Draco, doesn't need friends like you, Malfoy

Dear Harry,

Ron's been in a mood lately, something about squids? Either way, he's being a right git and I can't wait for school to start so I can get away from him. Ginny's really into Quiddich, but you knew that. She also likes these one chocolates, the ones in the gold wrappers? They're a muggle type, I had some with me. So, if you're looking for something to get her, there's an idea. She definitely fancies you, but she's not sure about making the first move, so I think you should.

Hermione, she ate ALL my chocolate, Granger

Dear Harry,

um, hi, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to write, sorry, I've never been much for letter writing. So, um, I got a broom! It's not new, and it's a few years old, but it's mine. I hope you're doing alright with your aunt and uncle. So, um, maybe we could...I don't know, meet up at Diagon Alley and get school supplies? My dad's going to contact the muggles, I think, or maybe Dumbledore will? I hope to see you soon.

Ginny

Dear Draco,

I'm happy to get your letter! I've never really flown before. I'm not scared of heights or anything, but it's never been a priority in my family. I'd love to learn, just imagine all the cool creatures we could see from the air! I know you don't want to be seen talking to me at school, don't worry, I know what they say about me, and I don't want you getting hurt because of it, but I would love for you to teach me. Maybe we can figure something out?

Luna Lovegood


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I don't own Harry Potter!**

 **This chapter might not be as insane, but I need to advance the sort of a plot somehow**

 **word count: 463**

Dear Harry,

I do not kiss like the stupid giant squid, why the hell did you tell Hermione that! Also, stay away from my little sister. I know she's been writing you. Anyway, I heard you're going to be coming here soon and we can hang out. Maybe you could convince Hermione that I would be a good boyfriend for her?

Ron

Dear Luna,

You're right. I think we can work something out, I'll be on the Quidditch team, so I'll know when the pitch is free. I'll even bring one of my old brooms. I don't want you getting hurt on one of the school brooms. Maybe you could help me with Care of Magical Creatures... you know, show me some that aren't monsters like that oaf Hagrid likes?

Draco

Dear Ginny

I'm going to be coming to stay where ever you are. I already told Ron, so I'm sure he's told everyone. And I'd love to get together, maybe shop together in Diagon Alley? If the adults will let us? They're being completely irrational about stupid nonsense. I've got some chocolates for you, but I don't want to send them owl post, someone else might eat them. See you soon,

Harry

Dear Malfoy

we think you're more of a weasel than us... ferrets are weasels aren't they? Draco the amazing bouncing ferret! Let us know your birthday so we can send you a present.

The Weasley twins!

Dear Harry,

Draco has been leaving me alone entirely. I was sick of his whining, his father is also very annoying strutting around like he owns the place. Doesn't anyone know their place any more? I am in charge! I am Lord Voldemort! At least you know you're going to die by my hand. That does reassure me. Also, Dumbledore is still an old fool! He sent me wool socks!

Lord, allergic to wool, Voldemort

Dear Harry,

I will be having you picked up shortly. I have discovered a new knitting pattern. I can make socks now! Dobby loves them! I sent a pair to Lord Voldemort as a peace offering, maybe he'll rethink his actions? It is unlikely, but we must always believe in the best, see you soon

Albus Dumbledore

Dear Harry,

I still greatly dislike you, but thank you for having your friends send me letter, especially Miss Lovegood. I am going to be teaching her to fly. I still think you're on the wrong side of things, and that your friends are both worthless!

Draco Malfoy

Dear Draco

I'm glad you and Luna are getting along. She needs more friends too. I still find you a bigoted little brat, but for Luna's sake I'll keep that opinion to myself. Now, stop insulting my friends!

Harry, I still hate you, Potter.


End file.
